Separation is a growing problem for lots of families today and the effects of one partner leaving the home is usually felt by everyone in the family, especially by the children.
Issues around separation and managing your children can be complex and one of the many dilemmas when couples split up is how to tell the children. Trying to put into words about what went wrong with an adult relationship can be a challenge, not least because we as adults often find it hard to understand ourselves.
Understandably, as a parent you want to protect your children from hurt but it is vital to give them some explanation otherwise they may think they are in some way to blame. You could keep it simple and say that mum/dad have decided that it would be better if they lived in different houses, that way everyone will be happier. Being as honest as is appropriate to the age of the child, helps him to grasp the reality. However, any details relating to adult relationships should be avoided. So too should the ‘ bad-mouthing’ of his mum/dad. Much as you may feel like doing this, your child should not be put in a position which in any way leads him to take sides.
As your children try to take in what is happening it will really help them if you can maintain as much of their usual routine as possible. Tell them about what will change and what will not, that they belong in both houses and that they are in no way responsible for what has happened. Reassure them that they are still loved by Mum and Dad and importantly let them know the arrangements for seeing the parent that has moved out. This will help them feel more secure. With so much happening they will need time to talk and to ask questions and to express their feelings about the separation. Children will do this in different ways, with different people and in their own time. Until there is a little bit more stability, the children may find other family members a great support.
Adjusting to separation can take time, and while couples go through their own stresses, some of which can be severe, the children and their needs should always come first.
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As the impact of separating can cause a wide range of issues for parents, it can help to talk through individual circumstances.
The Parenting NI helpline offers a freephone and appointment service throughout Northern Ireland. If you would like to talk through a family problem or make an appointment, contact freephone on 0808 8010 722 or e-mail help@parentingni.org
For further information on the range of services which Parenting NI offers, including parenting courses, log onto: www.parentingni.org
